Understanding What Children Are Trying to Tell Us
For parents and caregivers: This guide explores the concept that children's behavior—especially challenging behavior—is a form of communication. Understanding what children are trying to express through their actions can help us respond more effectively and compassionately.
When children don't have the words, emotional awareness, or skills to express their needs and feelings, they communicate through their behavior. This is particularly true for young children, children with language delays, and children experiencing strong emotions that overwhelm their coping abilities.
Instead of asking "Why is this child being difficult?", we can reframe our thinking to ask "What is this child trying to tell me?" This shift in perspective helps us move from reacting to challenging behavior to responding to the underlying needs.
In "Clumsy and the Invisible Ice Cream," Clumsy has a meltdown in the ice cream shop. On the surface, it looks like a tantrum about not getting the flavor he wants. But deeper investigation reveals he's actually overwhelmed by the bright lights, loud noises, and having to make a choice when he's already tired from a long day.
Children's behavior often stems from these basic needs:
| Need | Possible Behaviors | What It Might Mean |
|---|---|---|
| Physical needs | Irritability, hyperactivity, lethargy, difficulty focusing | "I'm hungry, tired, thirsty, or need to move my body." |
| Safety & security | Clinginess, aggression, withdrawal, controlling behaviors | "I don't feel safe. I need reassurance and predictability." |
| Connection | Attention-seeking, disruptive behaviors, withdrawal | "I need quality time and meaningful connection with you." |
| Emotional regulation | Meltdowns, aggressive behavior, shutting down | "I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to handle these feelings." |
| Autonomy & control | Defiance, power struggles, refusal | "I need some control over my life and to make some of my own choices." |
| Sensory needs | Fidgeting, covering ears, avoiding textures, seeking movement | "My sensory system is overwhelmed or under-stimulated." |
| Competence & mastery | Giving up easily, avoidance, perfectionism | "This is too hard/too easy, or I'm afraid of failing." |
What it might communicate:
How to respond:
What it might communicate:
How to respond:
What it might communicate:
How to respond:
Becoming a behavior detective means looking beyond the surface behavior to understand what's really going on. Here's a framework to help:
Note when challenging behaviors occur, what happens immediately before (triggers), what the behavior looks like, and what happens after.
Do behaviors happen at certain times of day, in certain environments, with certain people, or during transitions?
Is the behavior typical for the child's age? Is it related to a developmental leap or regression?
Could the behavior be related to hunger, thirst, fatigue, need for movement, or sensory issues?
Is the child seeking connection, autonomy, competence, or help with emotional regulation?
How do you typically respond to this behavior? Does your response reinforce the behavior or address the underlying need?
Behavior: 8-year-old refuses to do homework, throws pencil, says "I hate school!"
Surface interpretation: Being defiant, lazy, or oppositional
Detective analysis:
When we understand that behavior is communication, we can respond to the underlying need rather than just reacting to the behavior itself:
| Reacting to Behavior | Responding to Need |
|---|---|
| "Stop that tantrum right now!" | "I can see you're having big feelings. I'm here to help." |
| "Why can't you just listen?" | "It seems hard to focus right now. Do you need a movement break?" |
| "You need to share your toys!" | "You're feeling protective of your toys. When you're done, your friend would like a turn." |
| "Stop being so clingy." | "You're needing extra connection today. Let's have some special time together." |
| "You're just trying to get attention." | "I notice you're seeking connection. Let's find positive ways to connect." |
As we respond to the needs behind challenging behavior, we can also help children develop better ways to communicate those needs:
Understanding behavior as communication doesn't mean permitting all behaviors. We can set firm, loving boundaries while still acknowledging the feelings and needs behind the behavior: "I understand you're angry, but I won't let you hit. Let's find another way to show your anger."
Responding thoughtfully to challenging behavior requires patience and emotional resources. Be sure to:
By viewing behavior as communication, we shift from seeing children as "giving us a hard time" to recognizing they're "having a hard time." This perspective fosters deeper connection and more effective responses, helping children feel seen, heard, and supported as they learn to navigate their world.